I'm going to jump right to the point today instead of my usual long winded intro.
Lately I've been feeling a ton of stress. I've been under financial pressure recently, my least favorite kind of stress. You see, my husband and I both work for ourselves, and that means that we have no sense of security. I can't count on a steady paycheck ever. I chose this life, yes, because it is ultimately better, but it is certainly not easier, and I never want to pretend that it is! I actually think it is harder, but way more fulfilling and exciting.
I have moments where I wonder if I'll truly "make it," or if I'll just end up living in my parent's basement having to start over again when I'm 40.
My camera broke about a month ago due to a defect within the camera. My camera is a huge investment for me, and I rely heavily upon it to provide for my family. Nikon has been terrible with dealing with this matter, and 4 weeks later, it is still not resolved. I've made sure that I'm covered for planned shoots, but it is a ton of stress and time for me.
My husband and I are at a crossroads for where we should put our money into our living situation and projects... and we are scared shitless at times because if we fuck up it's fine for us, but not our son. Should we just move into our Airstream full time, and then deal with our house? I'm thinking yes. What would that be like with a toddler and two large dogs? Would we hate it? We are currently renting a small 600 foot apartment, but I'd like to cut costs and minimize even more.
I've been shot down royally lately by brands, publishers, and you name it. It's always hard to hear because I think what I have to offer is important and great... not everyone else does though, and I have to live with that. And people who want my services, but don't want to pay me... yes, that's been happening a ton lately, too. Coaching clients are always less available during the summer months because everyone is too busy with their summer schedules, the kids being home, and vacations. I'm happy for them, but financially it can be hard on me as well.
I've been home with Bodie full time, and then logging anywhere from 4-6 hours of work in most days. I sometimes don't know how I do it. It's a hard act to balance. I have days where it feels like too much, but I wouldn't have it any other way, too. Balancing mom life with boss babe is hard AF.
I've had sleepless nights lately, wondering if I've made mistakes, and how I can avoid making more.
But here is the thing, do I regret where I am right now? Hell no. I know that these moments are all part of my journey, and I would rather be here then where I was two years ago hands down. I guess I'm sharing this because I want you to know that I struggle, too, despite what my Instagram feed looks like. We all do. I want you to know that this lifestyle I've created is not perfect. There are, and will be hard times. Expect them. I know that when I'm an old lady, I won't regret this adventure I'm on. I'm okay with having no clue what to do. I'm also really enjoying being super truthful as I write this. Feels good!
The alternative life is amazing, but its not easy. It's actually total mayhem at times. Worth it? YES, for me. For everyone? Probably not. For you? That's up to you!
I ultimately trust that if I continue to work hard, and put myself out there, that things will work out for the best. I am going to sit here and ask the universe to support me, and follow that up with a whole bunch of loving action. I refuse to feel bad for myself, or ever give up.
Trust, trust, and trust some more. There are no answers.
What struggles have you been facing recently? Can you relate?