Uneasiness and Truth
I'm going to start this with the following disclaimer: I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, but feel a strong pull to write and share some truth. Last year I wrote a blog post about financial stress, and received a lot of emails from concerned loved ones (and strangers!) that Ed and I were going under (we weren't). After that, I haven't really gotten super personal because of the fear that people will take what I have to say the wrong way. As a society we are so closed off and guarded to admit our struggles. Most of us have financial stress all of the time, but are embarrassed to admit it for fear of being judged or looking like a failure. Why are we so scared to share?
I'm so over pretending I feel great all the time. I'm also over worrying about how other people interpret my honesty and truth. I hope that most people find what I share to be refreshing, but if they don't, its cool.
Okay, with that said, this blog post has nothing to do with financial stress. It has to do with the uneasiness I've been feeling. I've been suffering from a busy mind, and have had a hard time relaxing.
Why? I almost don't know where to start. Motherhood is a big part of it. I've been experiencing some new and unforeseen challenges, and wondering if I should open up about it. I'm very guarded when talking about Bodie online (and in the real world for that matter) because I feel like his difficulties are not mine to share. With that said, nothing makes me feel better as a mother than hearing from other mother's who have experienced similar challenges. I know I could offer that same relief to other parents, but is there a way to do it without disclosing too much private information? What do you think? I hate to say this, but I have unfortunately experienced competitive mothers who seem to thrive off of other mother's difficulties. Mom life is so complicated. Most are really awesome people, but a few bad apples have really made me feel extra defensive. Have you experienced something similar?
The other component of uneasiness I've felt... I've realized comes from something positive and good. I feel uncomfortable because I am constantly putting myself out of my comfort zone. Actually, everything I do is out of my comfort zone. Did you know when I started up my Instagram account years ago I didn't even include my name? I was THAT guarded. I was scared to connect my identity with my truth. I was afraid to disclose. I was afraid to use my knowledge, skill set, and degree in a way that wasn't mainstream. I was afraid to even show my face! I started up a blog that had zero identifiable information. And it went NOWHERE. Lol. I know I personally only read blogs where I feel a connection with the blogger. I was just so scared. I let that go, and slowly started growing and building a platform. I was sick to my stomach uncomfortable the entire time.
I'm a constant work in progress because I am riding the uncomfortable train, and it can be really tiring and scary. I've let go of what other people think of me and my life choices. Call it paranoia if you'd like, but there are a lot of people who want me to fail. Old friends. I'm not kidding. There's people who are nice to my face, but laugh behind my back. "Friends" who have made such grandiose assumptions about me that it was insulting. And then people who don't even know me who think I've never really struggled and shouldn't share about life. I don't have to justify anything. I really just don't give a shit to be honest.
We ALL have something important to share.
I went to school to be a psychologist, and found myself with a fancy degree, title of "doctor," and really unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE helping people, but needed to find a way to do it on MY terms. And I think I've found a platform that allows me to make a difference in people's lives. I just hit 20K followers on Instagram this week, and I'm so grateful that people care about what I have to say.
On a similar note, I've found myself wandering in new career paths that EXCITE the hell out of me, and again, thats somehow scary. None of it was planned. It just sort of happened when I stopped being such a control freak with a plan. For the past two years, I've focused on doing things I love EVERY DAMN DAY, and that has led me to places I didn't know were even options.
Discomfort is good.
We don't have to put ourselves in a category. We are allowed to explore and evolve. You can be a photographer, and a psychologist, and a yogi, and a life coach, and a blogger, and a social media consultant. You really can. I think that limiting ourselves to one thing, although easier, doesn't work for everyone.
Gosh, I feel like I need to wrap this post up, and put a pretty bow on top, but I'm going to resist and leave it as is. None of this is finished, neat, or organized (just like my life). Works for me.